And now, to scare the sh** out of you

One in four New Yorkers has herpes. This includes 49% of black New Yorkers (!) and 36% of female New Yorkers.

Yikes.

Put a condom on it, boys and girls, unless you are absolutely positively 100% sure your partner is clean.  Or, play solitaire.

And this is a good time to admit:  The Mormon virgin-till-marriage route has its drawbacks, but it’s not without potential benefits too.

Give us this day our daily . . .

Have you seen this article (which is currently number one on the NYT top-10 list) yet? It discusses two couples who have taken a somewhat novel approach to dealing with relationship issues.

Let’s say you and your spouse haven’t had sex in so long that you can’t remember the last time you did. Not the day. Not the month. Maybe not even the season. Would you look for gratification elsewhere? Would you file for divorce? Or would you turn to your mate and say, “Honey, you know, I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we do it for the next 365 days in a row?”

That’s more or less what happened to Charla and Brad Muller. And in another example of an erotic adventure supplanting married ennui, a second couple, Annie and Douglas Brown, embarked on a similar, if abbreviated journey: 101 straight days of post-nuptial sex.

Both couples document their exploits in books published this month, the latest entries in what is almost a mini-genre of books offering advice about the “sex-starved marriage.”

The couples in the article seem to have gotten a sort of boost from a commitment toward every-day sex. And why not? Sex can be a good way for a couple to re-connect, to affirm their commitment for each other, and frankly, to have fun. A commitment to daily sex is a commitment to couple-building, in an important way (and has a built-in reward system!).

Would the same approach work on a broader level? A Florida church was in the news recently for its own, religion-oriented adaptation of exactly this approach: The pastor challenged married members of the congregation to have sex every day for the next 30 days. (That’s different than the usual “do your home teaching” exhortations I usually hear in church!) It sounds quite promising. The brochure and blog on the church’s website discuss the many potential benefits of the 30-day challenge. I wonder if my stake will ever do something like this.

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Is daily sex potentially a good thing? Do the benefits — connection, affirmation, affection — outweigh the potential drawbacks? Would it ever get blase and boring?

And how different would church be if leaders stood at the pulpit and challenged members to have sex every day? If instead of (or in addition to) home teaching and tithing, the bishop or EQP asked if you were getting it on daily? (Um, would that be an incentive, or would it just be weird?) If the visiting teachers offered tips and advice on favorite sex toys?

Or maybe even offered to join in every once in a while . . .

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

Therapist [split screen]: Do you have sex often?
Woody Allen: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Diane Keaton: [annoyed] Constantly. I’d say three times a week.

-From “Annie Hall”

According to some statistics, married couples have sex an average of 98 times per year (just less than twice a week). Overall, Americans have sex 132 per year, with cohabitating couples having the most sex and singles having the least. (Also, 45% of respondents have had a one-night stand, while 48% of the women surveyed admit to faking orgasms.)

Casual, anecdotal evidence and talks with friends suggests that in some relationships, this becomes a very big deal. What’s the right frequency for sex? To what extent does this differ across gender lines? Do you wish you had sex more often? Less often?

To what extent do libido/frequency issues play a role in your relationship? How do you discuss or resolve those issues?

What’s in your nightstand drawer?

I think it’s important to have a well-stocked nightstand that includes a variety of items to enhance one’s sexual experience. Some of the items that I like to keep on hand are:

• lube: my current favorite is a silicone-based lubricant called “Swiss Navy.” There’s also KY, warming gel, and edible/flavored lube
• vibrator
• massage oil and lotion in favorite scents
• a variety of condoms–with & without spermicide, some novelty colors and flavors

Some items that I keep nearby, though not in the drawer:

• candles and matches
• an iPod dock for some iTunes playlists that are especially compiled just for our intimate time
• extra pillows
• a towel (though I think I’m going to adopt the red washcloth idea soon)
• lingerie
• sometimes our laptops are at hand so we can watch a bit of a movie together or do some internet searching on a particular topic

Earlier in our married years we had some sex reference books next to our bed. We’ve also had some items that haven’t remained a part of our nightstand cache. For example, handcuffs I found way too creepy [fyi, Sport Sheets products are a far safer, more comfy alternative to handcuffs]. We’ve had various edible concoctions and kama sutra potions that, while interesting for their novelty value, haven’t remained mainstays for us.

I’m curious…what’s in your nightstand drawer?

Tis the Season

About the Visitors’ Center

Growing up Mormon, we’re often told the controlling, mean-spirited, disparaging joke that, “your body is a temple, not a visitors’ center.”

We disagree.

Our bodies are indeed temples, vital links between ourselves and the divine in the universe. But equally importantly, our bodies are visitors’ centers, and this is a cause for celebration. Over time, our bodies have welcomed many different visits from a variety of guests — spouses, lovers, children, friends, self. Though those visits, and the human connections they bring, we have come to better know ourselves, others, and the universe.

This blog celebrates Mormon sexuality, in all its forms. We rejoice at the multiplicity of forms of sexual expression, and condemn no one for their personal, consenting choices. We are not ashamed of our sexuality, and we reject any who would tell us to feel shame over our bodies’ natural role as both temple and visitors’ center. Through our discussions here, we hope to come to better understand the fascinating mix of sexuality and spirituality in our own lives and the lives of our loved ones.

And we welcome you to join us for discussion at our visitors’ center here online.