Caught in the act

We were pretty much finished anyway, which was fortunate.

Josephette’s hands were bound in polyester scarves and tied to the frame.  Of the couch.  In the TV room.  I was still using her favorite dildo on her, though we were pretty much done with the second vibrator.

Myself, I had finished earlier — and really, so had she.  Ten minutes prior, she had been screaming, arching her back, gasping for breath.  Now, though, the screaming was done.  She still had the dildo inside, but I was just slowly alternating between the lowest setting and turned off altogether — drawing out the afterglow a little, relaxing, as we cooled off.  We were both dripping with sweat, lying on the couch, naked as jaybirds (unless you count the scarves around her hands), exhausted and euphoric in the rush of post-sex endorphins.

And then came the voice.

“Hello?  Hello?”  It was coming from the front door.  Oh, snap.  We left the front door wide open, didn’t we?

Sex and Pain

A reader writes in with this question

I have a question that I’ve asked a few friends about, but I thought I’d try your blog.  A good friend of mine, (LDS woman, married, kids) recently mentioned that she was having painful intercourse problems, and asked if I knew of any good books or resources to address it.  Her general problem as told to me is a really painful bladder irritation caused by sex, that lasts for hours and hours afterwards — requiring drugs to knock her out if she wants to sleep.  Also there are related psychological issues for both her and her husband.

I made some general suggestions (was it a bladder infection, a muscle cramp issue, etc.).  But I’m no sex expert or doctor.  I’ve asked a few folks, and gotten some good suggestions.  (One person suggested that it might be cystitis.)  I’ve passed on these suggestions to her — cystitis, lubrication, varying positions.  And of course, I’ve told her to go see her doctor.

I thought folks on your blog might have additional insights.  Are there known issues that might cause painful sex?  What things should my friend (or for that matter, people in general) be aware of?  Thanks!

Sex addiction?

I want to believe.

Yep, Duchovny’s in rehab for it.  (Married to Tea Leoni, too.) I guess that explains the surprising number of appearances in the Red Shoe Diaries series. Maybe they should have called it The XXX Files. Or maybe he was just getting into character for his role in Californication.

A recent CNN article about sex addiction sounds surprisingly . . . Mormonish. Check this out:

A lot of teenagers develop their sexuality with pornography, and then find that relational sex isn’t as satisfying, Weiss said. Porn gives them a “very strong chemical hit,” and alters ways of thinking about sex, somewhat like the classic “ring the bell, feed the dog” stimulus-response mechanism. Addicts thus learn to become sexually attached to objects, and have trouble getting the same kind of satisfaction from sex in a relationship, he said.

Where’s the line between healthy sexuality and sex addiction, anyway? It seems to me that people raised in the hyper-sensitive Mormon culture are quick to call any sort of porn use a sex addiction. And that makes me wonder.

Granting that sex addiction exists, and is a real problem for some people — how do you tell a real sex addict who needs help, as compared to just an otherwise healthy person who chooses to deviate from the hyper-sensitive baseline of Mormon expectations?

“Tequila makes her clothes fall off” — the role of alcohol in Mormon sexuality

Joe Nichols’ song, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, is all good fun. But there’s really something to the idea, isn’t there?

I’ve known co-workers and friends who tend to lose clothing and inhibitions with a drink or two. For some, this leads to embarrassing moments. But for others, it’s an integral part of their sexuality.

Mormons are limited in this context. There is no socially acceptable Mormon setting for drinking. Some members may drink, but they do so outside of church settings (and often hidden from other church members).

To what extent does this limit Mormon sexuality? And, are these limits good or bad, in the end?

Practicing Mormons avoid the potential emotional (or other) fallout that others may face, following unwise, booze-fueled hook-ups. This is an upside. I’ve known some co-workers who regretted their very public hook ups.

On the other hand, Mormon ideas on sexuality are often rigid and repressed. Sometimes I have to wonder whether more Mormons couldn’t use a drink to loosen up.

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What role, if any, has alcohol played in your own sexuality? How do you negotiate the complicated potential interplay between alcohol, sex, and Mormonism? What good or bad have you found inside or outside of the traditional LDS approach?

And, what’s your favorite drink? Does tequila (or anything else) make your clothes fall off? Inquiring minds want to know.

Give us this day our daily . . .

Have you seen this article (which is currently number one on the NYT top-10 list) yet? It discusses two couples who have taken a somewhat novel approach to dealing with relationship issues.

Let’s say you and your spouse haven’t had sex in so long that you can’t remember the last time you did. Not the day. Not the month. Maybe not even the season. Would you look for gratification elsewhere? Would you file for divorce? Or would you turn to your mate and say, “Honey, you know, I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we do it for the next 365 days in a row?”

That’s more or less what happened to Charla and Brad Muller. And in another example of an erotic adventure supplanting married ennui, a second couple, Annie and Douglas Brown, embarked on a similar, if abbreviated journey: 101 straight days of post-nuptial sex.

Both couples document their exploits in books published this month, the latest entries in what is almost a mini-genre of books offering advice about the “sex-starved marriage.”

The couples in the article seem to have gotten a sort of boost from a commitment toward every-day sex. And why not? Sex can be a good way for a couple to re-connect, to affirm their commitment for each other, and frankly, to have fun. A commitment to daily sex is a commitment to couple-building, in an important way (and has a built-in reward system!).

Would the same approach work on a broader level? A Florida church was in the news recently for its own, religion-oriented adaptation of exactly this approach: The pastor challenged married members of the congregation to have sex every day for the next 30 days. (That’s different than the usual “do your home teaching” exhortations I usually hear in church!) It sounds quite promising. The brochure and blog on the church’s website discuss the many potential benefits of the 30-day challenge. I wonder if my stake will ever do something like this.

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Is daily sex potentially a good thing? Do the benefits — connection, affirmation, affection — outweigh the potential drawbacks? Would it ever get blase and boring?

And how different would church be if leaders stood at the pulpit and challenged members to have sex every day? If instead of (or in addition to) home teaching and tithing, the bishop or EQP asked if you were getting it on daily? (Um, would that be an incentive, or would it just be weird?) If the visiting teachers offered tips and advice on favorite sex toys?

Or maybe even offered to join in every once in a while . . .

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

Therapist [split screen]: Do you have sex often?
Woody Allen: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Diane Keaton: [annoyed] Constantly. I’d say three times a week.

-From “Annie Hall”

According to some statistics, married couples have sex an average of 98 times per year (just less than twice a week). Overall, Americans have sex 132 per year, with cohabitating couples having the most sex and singles having the least. (Also, 45% of respondents have had a one-night stand, while 48% of the women surveyed admit to faking orgasms.)

Casual, anecdotal evidence and talks with friends suggests that in some relationships, this becomes a very big deal. What’s the right frequency for sex? To what extent does this differ across gender lines? Do you wish you had sex more often? Less often?

To what extent do libido/frequency issues play a role in your relationship? How do you discuss or resolve those issues?

Some ideas on getting what you want from your partner

Recently Eve left this comment on ExponentBlog in response to this post about sex during menstruation:

“I’m pleased to ready so have many positive attitudes. Personally I don’t have an issue with it and my husband says he doesn’t mind, but when I start thinking about the mess and cleaning up I loose all the excitement…

With some previous partners I engaged in mutual oral sex with tampon and all (”mouse tail” ) The current level of intimacy with my husband isn’t there yet.

I am actually needing to find a comfortable way of educating him about my body and it’s rhythms in a way that would not sound condescending. Suggestions?”

A few ideas for you:

• It sounds like, from your comment, that you’ve had previous partners who understood your body better than your current spouse. Is there some non-threatening way for you to suggest new (to him) activities that you previously enjoyed with others? Maybe you can gently suggest trying something “new” together?

• You could pick up a book like The Guide to Getting it On and read it together.

• Certainly it can take some time for your spouse to learn what pleases you. If this is a fairly recent marriage, it might be unfair to expect him to learn it all right away. It sounds like you have the advantage of experience and can guide your relationship in a way that will lead to a better place for both of you.

• Have you tried watching something sexy together? Is there an actor/actress or a genre of film that might be particularly titillating for you two or might be a conversation opener?

Like Yin and Yang

My spouse and I complement each other in many ways. Many of our strengths offset each others’ weaknesses. But the one issue that continues to be a problem is that he’s a morning person and I’m a night owl. Which means that if we have sex in the morning, I’m not as into it, or if it’s at night, he’s pretty exhausted. Occasionally we remedy this by a lunchtime tryst, but those opportunities tend to be rare.

Pormonism (or, Porn meets Mormonism)

Exponent II magazine recently dedicated an entire volume to the topic of porn addiction. The volume is available for free online, and has a number of different articles on the topic. A good blog discussion is also available at Exponent blog.

I’m glad that the magazine and blog are addressing the topic of porn. It’s an important issue for a lot of people, and it’s one that is often swept under the carpet. This kind of sustained discussion can be a good thing.

I’m less happy with the ultimate product, though. It seems to me that, while it has some real good material, it also has some significant omissions, blind spots, and problems.