Give us this day our daily . . .

Have you seen this article (which is currently number one on the NYT top-10 list) yet? It discusses two couples who have taken a somewhat novel approach to dealing with relationship issues.

Let’s say you and your spouse haven’t had sex in so long that you can’t remember the last time you did. Not the day. Not the month. Maybe not even the season. Would you look for gratification elsewhere? Would you file for divorce? Or would you turn to your mate and say, “Honey, you know, I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we do it for the next 365 days in a row?”

That’s more or less what happened to Charla and Brad Muller. And in another example of an erotic adventure supplanting married ennui, a second couple, Annie and Douglas Brown, embarked on a similar, if abbreviated journey: 101 straight days of post-nuptial sex.

Both couples document their exploits in books published this month, the latest entries in what is almost a mini-genre of books offering advice about the “sex-starved marriage.”

The couples in the article seem to have gotten a sort of boost from a commitment toward every-day sex. And why not? Sex can be a good way for a couple to re-connect, to affirm their commitment for each other, and frankly, to have fun. A commitment to daily sex is a commitment to couple-building, in an important way (and has a built-in reward system!).

Would the same approach work on a broader level? A Florida church was in the news recently for its own, religion-oriented adaptation of exactly this approach: The pastor challenged married members of the congregation to have sex every day for the next 30 days. (That’s different than the usual “do your home teaching” exhortations I usually hear in church!) It sounds quite promising. The brochure and blog on the church’s website discuss the many potential benefits of the 30-day challenge. I wonder if my stake will ever do something like this.

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Is daily sex potentially a good thing? Do the benefits — connection, affirmation, affection — outweigh the potential drawbacks? Would it ever get blase and boring?

And how different would church be if leaders stood at the pulpit and challenged members to have sex every day? If instead of (or in addition to) home teaching and tithing, the bishop or EQP asked if you were getting it on daily? (Um, would that be an incentive, or would it just be weird?) If the visiting teachers offered tips and advice on favorite sex toys?

Or maybe even offered to join in every once in a while . . .

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

Therapist [split screen]: Do you have sex often?
Woody Allen: [lamenting] Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
Diane Keaton: [annoyed] Constantly. I’d say three times a week.

-From “Annie Hall”

According to some statistics, married couples have sex an average of 98 times per year (just less than twice a week). Overall, Americans have sex 132 per year, with cohabitating couples having the most sex and singles having the least. (Also, 45% of respondents have had a one-night stand, while 48% of the women surveyed admit to faking orgasms.)

Casual, anecdotal evidence and talks with friends suggests that in some relationships, this becomes a very big deal. What’s the right frequency for sex? To what extent does this differ across gender lines? Do you wish you had sex more often? Less often?

To what extent do libido/frequency issues play a role in your relationship? How do you discuss or resolve those issues?

Some ideas on getting what you want from your partner

Recently Eve left this comment on ExponentBlog in response to this post about sex during menstruation:

“I’m pleased to ready so have many positive attitudes. Personally I don’t have an issue with it and my husband says he doesn’t mind, but when I start thinking about the mess and cleaning up I loose all the excitement…

With some previous partners I engaged in mutual oral sex with tampon and all (”mouse tail” :)) The current level of intimacy with my husband isn’t there yet.

I am actually needing to find a comfortable way of educating him about my body and it’s rhythms in a way that would not sound condescending. Suggestions?”

A few ideas for you:

• It sounds like, from your comment, that you’ve had previous partners who understood your body better than your current spouse. Is there some non-threatening way for you to suggest new (to him) activities that you previously enjoyed with others? Maybe you can gently suggest trying something “new” together?

• You could pick up a book like The Guide to Getting it On and read it together.

• Certainly it can take some time for your spouse to learn what pleases you. If this is a fairly recent marriage, it might be unfair to expect him to learn it all right away. It sounds like you have the advantage of experience and can guide your relationship in a way that will lead to a better place for both of you.

• Have you tried watching something sexy together? Is there an actor/actress or a genre of film that might be particularly titillating for you two or might be a conversation opener?

Like Yin and Yang

My spouse and I complement each other in many ways. Many of our strengths offset each others’ weaknesses. But the one issue that continues to be a problem is that he’s a morning person and I’m a night owl. Which means that if we have sex in the morning, I’m not as into it, or if it’s at night, he’s pretty exhausted. Occasionally we remedy this by a lunchtime tryst, but those opportunities tend to be rare.

Pormonism (or, Porn meets Mormonism)

Exponent II magazine recently dedicated an entire volume to the topic of porn addiction. The volume is available for free online, and has a number of different articles on the topic. A good blog discussion is also available at Exponent blog.

I’m glad that the magazine and blog are addressing the topic of porn. It’s an important issue for a lot of people, and it’s one that is often swept under the carpet. This kind of sustained discussion can be a good thing.

I’m less happy with the ultimate product, though. It seems to me that, while it has some real good material, it also has some significant omissions, blind spots, and problems.