Fast Offerings: A Personal History of Masturbation

Like millions of healthy young Mormon lads, I struggled with the sin of masturbation. Part of my extended conversion experience as a 16 year old investigator included a trip to the Bish. When I was prepping for my mission, my bishop all but heaved a great sigh of relief when he learned that my grievous confession was gripping the iron rod once every few months.

On my mission, I made it almost four months without choking the Bishop. Once again, when I confessed to my first mission prez, he was almost dismissive. A few months later, when I was stuck with a companion who had the habit of relating his pre-repentance sexual encounters after lights out, I crept away to call the new president from a pay phone. When I confessed that I was tempted to shake hands with the prophet, he seemed irritated that I had called him. He didn’t go there on our next one-on-one, so neither did I.

Eventually, I caught on that my priesthood leaders didn’t want to hear my solo misadventures with little Helaman. They were interested in the sordid, serious sins. Was he sneaking off to cavort with the harlot Isabel? Were there hanging clusters of grapes involved? Of course, I may be a little off on my interpretation of their concerns, but I’m just reporting my impressions at the time.

So I made a tacit deal with myself and with God. I would make a good faith effort to keep from polishing the Sword of Laban. If I slipped up and gave myself a personal priesthood interview once a month or so, that was within reason–after all, God was concerned about our limits to endure. I’d feel guilty, repent, and God would beat me a with a few strokes. I’d be extra careful in the weeks leading up to temple interviews and priesthood ordinances. And Sundays were out of the question. This agreement lasted past my mission and probably helped me and my lovely partner make it to the temple six months later, disheveled but with purity intact.

So, here’s my question to all of you in Mormonland: how much does this square with what you know about Mormon men and masturbation? Am I a lone stripling warrior or are we as the armies of Helaman? And how is this whole experience different for women growing up in the Church?