Lily
Doctor Jane
Lotus
Joseph
chanson
Jacob
Tom Sawyer
Moriah JovanSex addiction?
Posted by Joseph on September 7, 2008
I want to believe.
Yep, Duchovny’s in rehab for it. (Married to Tea Leoni, too.) I guess that explains the surprising number of appearances in the Red Shoe Diaries series. Maybe they should have called it The XXX Files. Or maybe he was just getting into character for his role in Californication.
A recent CNN article about sex addiction sounds surprisingly . . . Mormonish. Check this out:
A lot of teenagers develop their sexuality with pornography, and then find that relational sex isn’t as satisfying, Weiss said. Porn gives them a “very strong chemical hit,” and alters ways of thinking about sex, somewhat like the classic “ring the bell, feed the dog” stimulus-response mechanism. Addicts thus learn to become sexually attached to objects, and have trouble getting the same kind of satisfaction from sex in a relationship, he said.
Where’s the line between healthy sexuality and sex addiction, anyway? It seems to me that people raised in the hyper-sensitive Mormon culture are quick to call any sort of porn use a sex addiction. And that makes me wonder.
Granting that sex addiction exists, and is a real problem for some people — how do you tell a real sex addict who needs help, as compared to just an otherwise healthy person who chooses to deviate from the hyper-sensitive baseline of Mormon expectations?
Joseph said
Check out the foreshadowing in this Duchovny interview snippet:
“Before Tea, the longest my intense sexual interest would last would be maybe two years. But the real rewards of a relationship come after you’ve been together a while. That’s where Tea and I are lucky.
“There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the panoply of life’s rich experience. You can’t control your mind. Why would you want to? You can’t feel guilty about being alive, about being a man, about feeling attracted. You can only control your actions.”
I’m going to use that line next time I hit on someone. Hey cutie, want to help me acknowledge the panoply of life’s rich experience?
Lily said
I think I have some elements of sex addiction. Sometimes I’ve used sexual behaviors to get attention, or I’ve sought sex when I’m feeling insecure (like other people might turn to alcohol or food). I’d like to think that it’s in check for me now, but it’s also something that I continue to be thoughtful about just to be sure that it hasn’t gotten out of bounds.
For me the line is crossed when I’ve done something that in some way violates my relationship of trust with my DH. Although I don’t think I have to tell him about all of my sexual thoughts/activities, I have a pretty clear sense of when I’ve done something that I feel guilty about versus something I’ve done that’s just private. I’m not comfortable explaining here exactly where that line is for me or how I’ve crossed it occasionally, but I think it’s probably something where you will know when you’ve crossed it.
I think that you can tell if someone is a sex addict in the same way that you can tell if someone is addicted to gambling or shopping or whatever. If sex is taking over their life and causing them to make poor choices such as random hookups and affairs, to spend money irresponsibly to feed their habit, or to bring physical harm to themselves, then there is probably some addiction.
I suppose that part of my addiction with sex is why I’m blogging here. I wanted a ‘healthy’ outlet to discuss sexuality because it’s something that I think about nearly all the time.
Joe said
Good question. And I don’t have an answer. But I like Lily’s definition. I’ve used it over the years to identify when I’m crossing the line (activities interfering with work, parenting, other responsibilities). I can’t stop masturbating (tried for years), but have finally accepted that as part of my sexuality. I definitely turn to sex when I’m stressed and depressed. But I also embrace it when I’m happy, confident and relaxed. Hard to say. I think anything in life can become addicting if not managed (work, shopping, eating, sleeping, sex). I’m right there with Lily – I think about sexuality nearly all the time. Sometimes I wish it would go away and not matter so much.
Joe said
I also assume it must be more difficult for you to deal with, Lily, given the gender stereotypes around sexuality.
Tom Sawyer said
Sex addiction makes just as much sense as alcohol or gambling or eating or shopping (etc.) addiction. Whatever you turn to to escape reality, to fill that void, to get that “very strong chemical hit”…
Though I’ve gotten “highs” from alcohol, gambling, eating, and shopping, my “addiction” has always been sex. No time to get into it here, but I do think the high standards set by the LDS church made my addiction worse, not better. Had I been educated with a more healthy “moderation” approach that more closely mirrored my natural sex drive, I don’t think I would have developed that damaging binge-followed-by-shame cycle that can exacerbate into a pathology.
I’d like to think I have it under control, but like any “addition,” I think one is always “in recovery.” In other words, I can easily see myself returning to sex as a way to medicate my pain or despair were something traumatic to happen to me.
Joseph said
Great comment so far. Thanks for commenting, everyone.
I think it’s interesting that so many VC regulars identify themselves as sex addicts. Maybe we should all go into rehab together, like Duchovny. Or maybe we should just embrace the addiction and get together for a movie night. I’ll bring popcorn.
(By the way, isn’t the idea of sex addiction rehab intrinsically dangerous? You put a bunch of sex addicted guys and girls under the same roof — that’s kind of like holding AA at a bar.)
Lily writes,
“I suppose that part of my addiction with sex is why I’m blogging here. I wanted a ‘healthy’ outlet to discuss sexuality because it’s something that I think about nearly all the time.”
I’m glad to be part of your treatment plan, Lily. If you ever feel the need to discuss it further, say over a bottle of wine (or tequila), you know where to find me.
Seriously, though, it’s interesting that you weigh in as a woman. I have the impression, perhaps wrong, that sex addiction is generally considered a guy thing. In fact, I think most men would say, “a sex-addicted woman? That’s totally hot.” Yet your comment suggests that it’s not always the best characteristic to have, for your own relationships.
“If sex is taking over their life and causing them to make poor choices such as random hookups and affairs,”
I think this is where the Mormon angle comes in. If someone has sex addiction and is feeling the need to go hook up with a stranger — my inclination would be to say, dude, go download some porn and take care of your needs. Better to do that, than to open the door to much greater consequences (STDs etc.) from random hookups.
But I don’t think some Mormons see it that way. It’s all equally bad — porn, hookups, prostitutes, whatever — so they might as well go all the way. That’s a dangerous idea. There are safer and less-safe outlets.
Tom writes,
“Had I been educated with a more healthy “moderation” approach that more closely mirrored my natural sex drive, I don’t think I would have developed that damaging binge-followed-by-shame cycle that can exacerbate into a pathology.”
That makes a lot of sense. Enough trips up and down that roller coaster could drive anyone nuts.
Lily said
Dangit, I’m not going to get much work done this afternoon, am I….
It’s probably important to note here how the VC came about. We are a group of LDS folks who’ve either met in IRL or on the ‘net and all realized a strange proclivity to talking about sexual matters and figured it was time to start a blog on that theme given that the bloggernacle really lacked an all-sex all-the-time blog. It goes to follow that some of us are a bit obsessive or even addicted, right?
I think my DH was just a bit surprised when I first told him that I wanted to start a sex blog with some of my friends, and mostly male friends at that. But so far so good, even if we all did kind of go on vacation (not nakation, for those of you who were wondering) for the month of August.
So now I like need to go on rehab for being addicted to the VC. It’s starting to affect my employment….
chanson said
Well, I’m not a sex addict.
I know you’re all going denial! *snicker*, but I’m serious. Sure I love sex, and it’s one of my favorite topics to write about, but so what? My husband keeps a math blog where he posts about math a couple times a week — is he a math addict?
I’ll even admit I’ve made a few bad sexual choices in my younger days, and learned from them. But sex is hardly the only topic where I have a history of learning from my mistakes.
As I’ve said before, I’m not convinced that the addiction model is a useful framework for understanding innate biological drives. There’s a perception (especially in, but not restricted to LDS culture) that sexual desire is a moral failing, and the addiction model is brought in as a secular, pseudo-scientific theory to back up that judgment. Even if sexual desire affects your priorities and decisions, keep in mind that a lot of other deisres, wishes, goals (or lack of goals) do too.
Joseph said
You can come to the sex addicts party anyway, Chanson. The only person better to have at a party than a sex addict, is a sex addict in denial.
chanson said
Perversely, I find this invitation very tempting.
Joe said
Joseph writes:
“In fact, I think most men would say, “a sex-addicted woman? That’s totally hot.” Yet your comment suggests that it’s not always the best characteristic to have, for your own relationships.”
I had the same initial reaction: “Wouldn’t it be great if my partner was a sex addict?” But I imagine that doesn’t mean you want to spend every evening in bed with your husband. I honestly wish I could use some drug to take the edge off. Was on an SSRI for a while but that just lessened my ability to climax, not my libido. Any ideas?
Lily said
I’ve found that hormone-based BC takes the “edge off” for me–I still like sex but I don’t think about it constantly. But the BC affects me in other ways that I find rather unpleasant so I never stay on it for long.