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Moriah JovanMormon sex search queries
Posted by chanson on September 7, 2008
A whole lot of people out there in cyberspace have questions about Mormon sexuality!
How do I know? Because they keep typing amusing questions into search engines and landing on my blog. In the tradition of “Ask Chanson via Google” I & II, I’d like to take the time to answer some of these queries. The following are all real queries typed by anonymous readers that led them to my personal blog (not to The Visitors’ Center), but I thought I’d post the Mormon sex ones here in hopes the Mormon sexperts of The Visitors’ Center can help out with further clarifications and advice for these confused seekers!
Q: if you view porn will you be excommunicated from the lds church?
A: I think it’s possible, but unlikely. If they ex’ed everyone who viewed porn, there wouldn’t be enough priesthood-holders left to run the church.
Q: do mormons go topless at the beach
A: Not usually. Overall they tend to be very big on “modesty”.
Q: can mormons have sex?
A: yes
Q: lds single woman chastity masterbation
A: yes, exactly. I mean the last two follow from the first three.
Q: exmormon & sex
A: Right again! 
Q: are mormon girls horny
A: Some of them are (see the previous two queries).
Q: did your mother value your sexual purity
A: Let me put on my pop-psychologist hat for a second and suggest that a better question would be “do you value your sexual purity?”
Q: how to have sex with mormon girl
A: Tab A in slot B, just like everybody else. Or are you asking for tips on how to seduce her? That’s a pretty complex question, and it depends on the particular girl. People here might have some ideas on what would work.
Q: how can a byu student get sex?
A: see above. (And don’t forget that you can get expelled for it.)
Q: byu sex with a sheep
A: I swear I am not making these up! I’ve written about sex at BYU (here, here, and see SML’s story here), but nothing involving sheep. Maybe a reader here knows more about the agriculture department…?
Q: mormon masterbation after marraige :Q: do married mormons have a lot of sex
A: I think the marry-young-and-chaste custom has an influence on how much sex (vs. masturbation) a couple has, but I don’t have any hard data on it. People here may have some further insights.
Q: married mormon with dildo
A: Looking for some specifics on that last one, eh? Lucky thing you have The Visitors’ Center covering this topic for you!
Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer further enlightenment on these questions!
Joseph said
Awesome, Chanson.
“If they ex’ed everyone who viewed porn, there wouldn’t be enough priesthood-holders left to run the church.”
Too true, and Lol.
“do mormons go topless at the beach”
The right ones do!
(Btw, count me as one of the disappointed readers of your “topless at the beach” post. You’re a cruel, cruel woman, and a tease.) (It’s kinda hot, actually . . .
)
“the last two follow from the first three.”
These are awesome, in general.
Although, I’m now thinking that it would be very easy (and potentially fun) to start deliberately manipulating these. Insert outrageous terms into search, page through until I find LFaB.
See if I can come up with queries that make it onto your next list.
Hmm. “Chanson naked in a giant wineglass,” here we come . . .
Lily said
What I wonder is how many people find the VC when they’re looking for info on LDS Temple Visitors’ Centers. And what do they think about our blog????
chanson said
Thanks Joseph!
Yeah, this is the trick: Try to come up with the most outrageous search query that lands you on LfaB.
Actually, that sheep one arrived after my latest “Ask Chanson via Google” post and before this post, and I’m kind of wondering about it…
Lily — Aren’t there stats for this site that give that kind of info? I mean, at least the logs should tell us if someone stuck around to read a bunch of other posts after coming in on a search for the Edmonton, Alberta Temple Visitors’ Center.
Lily said
Yes, of course there are stats like that, but I’ve been a bit too lazy to embed any stat tracking code on the blog. WordPress gives us a bare-bones version of the stats such as incoming links, overall page hit totals, etc. But I actually don’t usually bother to check that, either.
Any of you permas want to volunteer for stat monitor duties?
chanson said
I’d be happy to look them over periodically if you show me how. Love those search queries!
Starfoxy said
“Q: do mormons go topless at the beach”
I’ll admit that the word ‘topless’ is normally only used with women, but I think this person may actually have been wondering about mormon men. I suspect the longer version of the question may have been something like “Do mormons take off their weird underwear when they go swimming?”
chanson said
Very good observation — that’s probably what the person was wondering about.
So for the sake of any other people who wander in here on a search query wondering the same thing: yes, Mormons do indeed take off their weird underwear when they go swimming. So for guys, that means going topless.