Elder Norton’s Most Embarrassing moment…

This is a story that Mike Norton posted to exmo-social.com back in June of 2006. I asked for (and received) permission to repost it (because I thought it was hilarious), but never got around to posting it on my blog because I was worried it might be too controversial. Yet, somehow, it seems it might be appropriate here at The Visitors’ Center. Enjoy!

When I was a fresh faced punk serving the Lard as a Mormon missionary, my companion and I went to a fellow member’s home for dinner one night. This was the home of a young recently married couple and, I think, the grandmother of one of them lived with them. So, my companion and I, the young, recently married couple, and granny had dinner. Granny seemed to be half deaf and three quarters to senile.

It would be a serious understatement to say the wife of this couple was hot. She was SMOKIN’ hot and she had…um…shall we say…a SMOKIN’ rack. Hey, I was a missionary, I wasn’t blind. To make things more difficult for me, Sister Hotness was wearing a tight sweater that evening and it looked to be a bit cold in their home, if you get my drift.

So, during the course of our meal, I asked the young couple how long they had been married and where they got married. However, being an idiot, I asked them if they got married in the temple (as if it was any of my business. I mean, how awkward would it have been if she had dropped her head in shame and said, “No Elder, we weren’t worthy.”?!?!?).

However, instead of saying, “So, were you married in the temple?” what actually came out of my mouth was, “So, were you married in the nipple?”

Getting naked in public and saving the earth

Two worthy enough goals, right?

From the Associated Press:

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Portland Police took a waterfront Lady Godiva down a notch this week. Barely. They were getting calls about a nude skater whizzing past tourists and rush-hour commuters.

But you can do that in Oregon, where occasional nude bike rides draw police only for crowd control and shows featuring live sex acts are protected as free speech.

The skater, Gennifer Moss, aka Earth Friend Gen, asked organizers for permission this summer to skate naked in the city of Ashland’s Fourth of July parade. She didn’t get it.

Police told her to tone it down after construction workers complained.

Moss donned a string bikini bottom for the nonce and skated on.

Police say most callers are concerned about her safety.

Wait — construction workers are complaining about naked women?  What’s the world coming to?

More pics and discussion here.

p.s.  Check out the best sidebar ad ever, in this screenshot:

Caught in the act

We were pretty much finished anyway, which was fortunate.

Josephette’s hands were bound in polyester scarves and tied to the frame.  Of the couch.  In the TV room.  I was still using her favorite dildo on her, though we were pretty much done with the second vibrator.

Myself, I had finished earlier — and really, so had she.  Ten minutes prior, she had been screaming, arching her back, gasping for breath.  Now, though, the screaming was done.  She still had the dildo inside, but I was just slowly alternating between the lowest setting and turned off altogether — drawing out the afterglow a little, relaxing, as we cooled off.  We were both dripping with sweat, lying on the couch, naked as jaybirds (unless you count the scarves around her hands), exhausted and euphoric in the rush of post-sex endorphins.

And then came the voice.

“Hello?  Hello?”  It was coming from the front door.  Oh, snap.  We left the front door wide open, didn’t we?

More search query questions!

Either Joseph succeeded in his quest to come up with outrageous search queries that pull up my blog, or there are a lot more people out there who are in need of further clarification on the finer points of Mormon sexuality!

I’m just going to leave these to the commenters here to answer. As usual, these are real, unedited search queries that I found in my logs:

Q: mormon position on masterbation

Q: are mormon women less sexually aroused

Q: do mormons sexual activity temple

Q: byu truth or dare naked

Sex and Pain

A reader writes in with this question

I have a question that I’ve asked a few friends about, but I thought I’d try your blog.  A good friend of mine, (LDS woman, married, kids) recently mentioned that she was having painful intercourse problems, and asked if I knew of any good books or resources to address it.  Her general problem as told to me is a really painful bladder irritation caused by sex, that lasts for hours and hours afterwards — requiring drugs to knock her out if she wants to sleep.  Also there are related psychological issues for both her and her husband.

I made some general suggestions (was it a bladder infection, a muscle cramp issue, etc.).  But I’m no sex expert or doctor.  I’ve asked a few folks, and gotten some good suggestions.  (One person suggested that it might be cystitis.)  I’ve passed on these suggestions to her — cystitis, lubrication, varying positions.  And of course, I’ve told her to go see her doctor.

I thought folks on your blog might have additional insights.  Are there known issues that might cause painful sex?  What things should my friend (or for that matter, people in general) be aware of?  Thanks!

No-undie Sunday

This one cracked me up, but there’s no way I would do it. Gross.

But I do think it would be pretty funny to see some g’s hanging up there over the bar.

My Experience with Female Sex Addiction

FYI, I am no expert on women’s sex addiction. Also I remain unsure of the distinction between sex addiction and nymphomania, so it’s possible that I might have the latter and not SA.

Some difficulties I’ve encountered because of sex addiction:

1) As a woman, I was supposed to wait for a man to initiate romance. I’m speaking here from my experience as a singleton. It was super hard to sit home and wait for a guy to call me when my sex drive was super-high. I solved the problem by dating several guys at once so there was always someone handy when I needed them. I didn’t break up with my spare guys until after I was engaged to my husband.

2) As someone who has a fairly limitless sex drive, I find it hard to be ’satisfied.’ I’m typically wanting more. Though this can be pretty fun at times, after while it can be rather tedious for my partner. My experience is that men like to feel like they’ve satisfied their woman and if not, they can get frustrated. One of my boyfriends said I was ‘insatiable.’ I think it really turned him on at times, but it also wore him out.

3) Sometimes I’ve had difficulty with being intimate with my husband. I’m not talking about sex here, I’m talking about spending time kissing or talking or in foreplay. Often I just want to get right down to business. It’s mellowed some over time, but early in our marriage it was pretty challenging. It was a bit of a rude awakening on our wedding night when I just wanted sex, sex, and more sex. We can laugh about that now, but I don’t think it was so funny when we were on our honeymoon.

4) I think about sex constantly, and this sometimes affects my ability to parent and manage my home. I’m working on this, but it’s really hard. I have often thought that I might just be wired more like a man than a woman. Or perhaps there are many women who are wired like I am, but they aren’t likely to be monogamous and Mormon. I grew up in the church and basically felt that I was a deviant sex-crazed maniac. I thought for sure I’d never be temple worthy with the impure thoughts that were constantly running through my mind. Believing that I was depraved sometimes fed the shame cycle that led to risky experimentation with sex.

5) In my younger years my sex drive occasionally led me to make some really poor choices when seeking a partner. I was lucky that I didn’t end up with any long-lasting consequences, but I could have and that thought really frightens me now. I sucked at being single and I fear if I found myself single again I would make poor choices because of my strong desires.

I kissed a girl…and liked it.

This link to a church billboard cracked me up. I’m sure many LDS would agree with the anti-lesbian sentiment expressed by this Pastor. I haven’t heard the song yet–because I live in an iTunes cave–but now I just might download it. Just in case I “like it.”

I’m curious how the rest of you would feel about your teen children or teens you preside over at church exploring same-sex relationships, especially if they are not crossing the chastity line? Does anyone know how Bishops typically react towards same-sex experimentation when it’s just kissing?

Mormon sex search queries

A whole lot of people out there in cyberspace have questions about Mormon sexuality!

How do I know? Because they keep typing amusing questions into search engines and landing on my blog. In the tradition of “Ask Chanson via Google” I & II, I’d like to take the time to answer some of these queries. The following are all real queries typed by anonymous readers that led them to my personal blog (not to The Visitors’ Center), but I thought I’d post the Mormon sex ones here in hopes the Mormon sexperts of The Visitors’ Center can help out with further clarifications and advice for these confused seekers!

Q: if you view porn will you be excommunicated from the lds church?

A: I think it’s possible, but unlikely. If they ex’ed everyone who viewed porn, there wouldn’t be enough priesthood-holders left to run the church.

Q: do mormons go topless at the beach

A: Not usually. Overall they tend to be very big on “modesty”.

Q: can mormons have sex?

A: yes

Q: lds single woman chastity masterbation

A: yes, exactly. I mean the last two follow from the first three.

Q: exmormon & sex

A: Right again!

Q: are mormon girls horny

Sex addiction?

I want to believe.

Yep, Duchovny’s in rehab for it.  (Married to Tea Leoni, too.) I guess that explains the surprising number of appearances in the Red Shoe Diaries series. Maybe they should have called it The XXX Files. Or maybe he was just getting into character for his role in Californication.

A recent CNN article about sex addiction sounds surprisingly . . . Mormonish. Check this out:

A lot of teenagers develop their sexuality with pornography, and then find that relational sex isn’t as satisfying, Weiss said. Porn gives them a “very strong chemical hit,” and alters ways of thinking about sex, somewhat like the classic “ring the bell, feed the dog” stimulus-response mechanism. Addicts thus learn to become sexually attached to objects, and have trouble getting the same kind of satisfaction from sex in a relationship, he said.

Where’s the line between healthy sexuality and sex addiction, anyway? It seems to me that people raised in the hyper-sensitive Mormon culture are quick to call any sort of porn use a sex addiction. And that makes me wonder.

Granting that sex addiction exists, and is a real problem for some people — how do you tell a real sex addict who needs help, as compared to just an otherwise healthy person who chooses to deviate from the hyper-sensitive baseline of Mormon expectations?