Sorry, that’s just too much

I’m quite happy to entertain Emma with her favorite five-speed penis-shaped vibrator (she calls it Charlie).  I don’t mind cleaning up afterwards, either.  But I do have my limits.

When I went to grab a rag to wash Charlie off, Emma said no, just use your hand.  And I balked at that one.  I consider myself a relatively open-minded guy.  But even I draw the line at giving a hand job to a bright blue rubber vibrator.

Emma laughed, and took care of it herself.

Offensive…or not?

Ok, I find Hooters and Bikini Car Washes rather offensive. But Butlers in the Buff? Rather charming, IMO.

(yep, I’m a hypocrite. But those guys do, um, look pretty good in their aprons, eh?)

Back to Basics

With the start of the new school year, I thought it may be a good time for a little “review” of the basics of sex toys. (Ok, with the last post about sex toys, Lily also gave me a little hint that it may be a good topic….so I can’t claim total originality.)

I didn’t learn anything about sex toys as a young Mormon adult. I actually think most active LDS members are comfortable with sex toys at some level or another, although they may not use the words “sex toy” to describe whatever it is they have fun with in bed. My education about the various items that can help women achieve that sometimes elusive orgasm and make sex both fun and more pleasurable for both partners came at in-home sex toy parties. These parties are just like our mothers’ in-home tupperware parties, except for toys and enhancements for the bedroom are sold instead of plastic food storage containers.

Based on my own conversations with close family and friends that are religious, I would say that a sex toy generally crosses the line with conservative minded people when it replaces the actual act of sex between a couple. Keep in mind that sex toys can often be used alone, but definitely could be used and enjoyed exclusively as a couple activity.

Here’s a run-down of what I consider to be the “back to basics” of sex toys:

Lubrications and Lotions: Yes, they have a practical purpose for those dry days. But they can turn into fun toys with various scents, tastes, warming and/or cooling sensations, reaction to water, and colors. Just make sure you are buying something that is safe to go inside you and on him – some lotions are meant to be “above the waist” fun only and are not actually meant to be used for lubricants for sex.

Vibrators: Perhaps your grandma didn’t have one, but chances are your mom did. Vibrators come in many shapes and sizes, but a standard vibrator is only 3-4 inches long and maybe 1-2 inches in diameter. It’s meant to stimulate a woman’s clitoris, and should not be used internally (it could easily be lodged in the vagina and have to be removed by a doctor). Many men like to use these on woman in lieu of or in addition to oral stimulation of the clitoris. Many woman prefer the vibrating sensation. It acts as a great “warm-up” to a woman. Although many women can climax based on clitoral stimulation alone, it by no means replaces actual intercourse between a couple. (Variations: some vibrators are slightly curved in order to be inserted an inch or two into the vagina to find the G-spot.)

Dildo: Not to be confused with a vibrator. IMO, dildos are probably more controversial amongst LDS couples (and other conservative crowds) because they look like a penis and generally are viewed as replacing a man completely. They are usually realistic in size and meant to be inserted into a woman just like a real penis would be during sex. However, these can still be used easily as a couple, especially if he has a hard time holding out long enough to please her (after he finishes, he could actually use a dildo on her, since it’s always hard…..) or if a couple wants to experiment with double-entry (i.e., he is inside her anus and the dildo is inside her vagina).

Ben Wa balls: Not necessarily a “toy”, but definitely a way to enhance sex. Kegal exercises provide a “work out” to the pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus. Women who regularly do kegal exercises can actually contract the walls of their vaginas, making sex more pleasurable for both a man and a woman. (When you are going pee, try to stop mid-stream. The muscles you are flexing to accomplish that are the same muscles you want to contract in a kegal exercise.) Ben wa balls are actually placed inside your vagina (think like a tampon). If you don’t flex, they will immediately fall out, since they are weighted and gravity works. If you can hold them inside without letting them fall out, congratulations. (BTW, these muscles will also make incontinence a less likely risk for you and will make childbirth – and the recovery afterward – easier and faster.)

Whew! I think that’s a long enough review for one day.

Feel free to add more info on your favorite toys, brands, and/or thoughts on which toys are appropriate or not as an individual or as a couple.

Thoughts from a sex shop salesgirl

From the article, Confessions of a Sex Shop Salesgirl:

Ultimately, I became an ad hoc protector of women. Like the time a bearded book editor appeared. After gabbing about the erotic-lit industry, he explained a particularly ludicrous double-penetration scenario he imagined for his wife. He seemed to treat sex as an event strictly for his pleasure, which I found particularly egregious. I was sleep-deprived and blurted out, “Sir, what do your wife’s feet look like?” He paused. Then stuttered. He had no idea. I suggested that for the next month, he spend a weekly hour in bed with his wife without using his penis. Two months later, a thank-you note appeared to “the tall saleswoman who taught my husband how to make love.”

‘Understand, we were not just selling motorized sticks. We were also teaching women how to never be submissive. A woman with a well-stocked toy drawer isn’t dependent on anyone and is unlikely to hurl herself at a lowlife just for nooky. Though I began my job on a lark, it became clear that being a sex-shop salesgirl is, in some way, a curiously feminist calling.

I think my experience sort of mirrors that of this salesgirl, meaning that as I’ve gotten older and haven’t been afraid to own my sexuality, I’ve been less dependent on my husband to satisfy my needs. It’s empowering to know that I can be sexually fulfilled without a man (though I do far prefer his attention to that of a vibrator).

Do you agree that having a well-stocked toy collection can be liberating for women? What about for men?