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MoJoFast Offerings: A Personal History of Masturbation
Posted by Samson on April 29, 2008
Like millions of healthy young Mormon lads, I struggled with the sin of masturbation. Part of my extended conversion experience as a 16 year old investigator included a trip to the Bish. When I was prepping for my mission, my bishop all but heaved a great sigh of relief when he learned that my grievous confession was gripping the iron rod once every few months.
On my mission, I made it almost four months without choking the Bishop. Once again, when I confessed to my first mission prez, he was almost dismissive. A few months later, when I was stuck with a companion who had the habit of relating his pre-repentance sexual encounters after lights out, I crept away to call the new president from a pay phone. When I confessed that I was tempted to shake hands with the prophet, he seemed irritated that I had called him. He didn’t go there on our next one-on-one, so neither did I.
Eventually, I caught on that my priesthood leaders didn’t want to hear my solo misadventures with little Helaman. They were interested in the sordid, serious sins. Was he sneaking off to cavort with the harlot Isabel? Were there hanging clusters of grapes involved? Of course, I may be a little off on my interpretation of their concerns, but I’m just reporting my impressions at the time.
So I made a tacit deal with myself and with God. I would make a good faith effort to keep from polishing the Sword of Laban. If I slipped up and gave myself a personal priesthood interview once a month or so, that was within reason–after all, God was concerned about our limits to endure. I’d feel guilty, repent, and God would beat me a with a few strokes. I’d be extra careful in the weeks leading up to temple interviews and priesthood ordinances. And Sundays were out of the question. This agreement lasted past my mission and probably helped me and my lovely partner make it to the temple six months later, disheveled but with purity intact.
So, here’s my question to all of you in Mormonland: how much does this square with what you know about Mormon men and masturbation? Am I a lone stripling warrior or are we as the armies of Helaman? And how is this whole experience different for women growing up in the Church?
April 29, 2008 at 11:51 pm
There is no shame in rubbing one out from time to time! All men do it.
I’m sorry you had to endure so much guilt and grief over this!
April 29, 2008 at 11:52 pm
That’s a good question, Samson.
Personally, I subscribe to the verses in Ezekiel 37 which instruct me, clearly, to take the Stick of Joseph in mine hand.
(The verse has some other language about Judah, but I ignore that part, cause I don’t play for that team — not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .)
April 29, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Speaking from my experience growing up in the church, bishops don’t seem especially eager to hear about women who masturbate. They don’t even ask the question unless there is some other sexual sins going on.
April 30, 2008 at 12:01 am
In all seriousness –
My upbringing included multiple talks from church leaders about “not touching myself” and NO elaboration about what exactly that meant.
I was also all kinds of clueless as a kid.
The end result was that I got the wrong impression, and then spent YEARS of my early youth thinking that any touching of the Stick of Joseph was a sin. I honestly thought that I wasn’t supposed to touch it to go pee, or shower, or whatever else. I sincerely tried to do all of those without any actual finger-to-skin contact (which is possible, but not always easy), and I felt guilty about any skin contact. (!)
And it took years before I realized that I was taking the “don’t touch it” too literally.
Jeez. What a screwed-up way to instruct a kid.
April 30, 2008 at 12:21 am
lol! this was an awesome post. I, too, am sorry that you endured such guilt, ‘Samson’ (one wonders if your hair needs clipping, muah!).
As a young Catholic girl growing up, I well knew that “self abuse” was wrong and that it was dirty to touch myself “there” (*shudder!*). But, by the time I was taking showers (instead of baths), I discovered that my anus was quite receptive to some over zealous “cleaning” (although I never put anything in it…not sure why I feel the need to assure you all of that when I’m already going this far, *ahem*). Also, when I hit puberty, I started waking up in the middle of the night & discovering some wonderful sensations that clenching certain muscles brought. I really honestly had no idea that any of this counted as masturbation (we can discuss the gaping holes in my sexual education at another time) until I actually had my first non-self-induced orgasm.
I think it rather telling that most religious set out to deny you one of (in my opinion) the closest experiences of the divine that you can have. Nothing is more sacred than participating in creation. And nothing can get people religion faster (”oh god!”). I’m sure that, for adults, self sacrifice has its place (going without chocolate for 40 days can well improve body, mind, and spirit); but denying children who aren’t real sure of what they’re being denied of simple pleasures is pretty low in my book.
April 30, 2008 at 3:22 am
As a single woman, your leaders do not want to hear it. On a positive note, it did help me realize if (a) they never talked to women about it and (b) they didn’t want to hear about it from women then it must be ok for me to do.
I heard a rumor about a woman being excommicated for owning a sex toy. I threw mine out only to go buy another anyway. It took me awhile to realize that God doesn’t really care if satsify myself sexually. God is more concerned with how I treat people than with how often I get together with Rosy Palm and her five friends.
April 30, 2008 at 4:01 am
Yeah, I didn’t know girls could masturbate until I got married. I’m glad to know there are others with glaring holes in their sex-ed training.
I’ve never asked DH if this was something he did while growing up, but I think I will.
I do remember HS friends talking about it once, how all guys do it, so I’m not totally surprised to read your comment.
When DH was YM Pres, I found a copy of Elder Packer’s pamphlet “For Young Men Only” or something like that. He talks about masturbation in very, very vague terms. I believe he calls it a little ‘factory’ that once you turn it on, it doesn’t stop, so don’t start. I laughed my head off while reading it. I hope that they give boys better instruction than that.
My question is whether bishops who are also medical professionals look up on masturbation in a different light than others. Do they see it as healthy and natural, or frown on it as others do.
Interesting post. Thanks.
April 30, 2008 at 4:30 am
Jessawhy,
Don’t bother asking DH if he did it. The answer is “yes.” Spare him the embarrassment.
April 30, 2008 at 4:43 am
LOL. Thanks for the advice. You must be a wise soul indeed.
April 30, 2008 at 4:58 am
I think you have the right idea, Jessawhy. But really, there’s a lot better things you could do than *ask*.
Such as, wait till the kids are asleep, and then pop in a sexy movie. (Doesn’t have to be pure porn, maybe just something with lots of sexy scenes.) Wait till Nicole Kidman or Angelina Jolie starts taking off her clothes, and husband is getting interested. And then pause it, and ask, deliberately,
“Do you like that?”
“What kinds of images turn you on to see?”
Be supportive, and let him tell you what he likes.
Maybe his fantasies will look just like you. Maybe they won’t. Either way, don’t criticize or judge.
Chances are 90% that he’s done it; and he’s probably been told it’s really bad, and felt a lot of shame over the years. (See my prior post on porn.) If you can remove the shame, it opens up communication and removes barriers in your relationship.
And with any luck, you and your husband will end the evening in a *very* good way.
April 30, 2008 at 8:34 am
I agree with those who pointed out that most of the masturbation talks were directed at the boys and that a lot of adult leaders would ask boys about it in worthiness interviews but not ask the girls. Yet, unlike VC Garden Goddess, I didn’t interpret this to mean it’s okay for girls — quite the opposite. I took it to mean that it’s abnormal for girls, hence exceptionally depraved and perverted.
The novella Youth Conference illustrates this turmoil, particularly during the Sexual Purity chapter.
April 30, 2008 at 2:16 pm
I don’t know what corner of Mormonland Chanson and Garden Goddess are from, but I know several girls who were asked about masturbation even when they were just 13 years old.
I also know some women who were interrogated about masturbation, but only AFTER they were married. Interestingly, the bishop asked the women about masturbation, but didn’t ask their husbands. And they were all in the same ward.
Chanson and Garden Goddess must never have had a pervy bishop.
April 30, 2008 at 6:07 pm
Dr. Jane — I thought of mentioning that myself. I’ve read a lot of different accounts from women who’ve been made to answer highly intimate questions at a young age behind closed doors to male authorities. I’m just saying that even though that’s not uncommon, having only non-pervy bishops is also not rare.
That’s the thing about having an untrained lay ministry — what you get varies pretty widely…
May 1, 2008 at 2:38 pm
You will be happy to learn that the ,a href=http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3072021.stm>BBC reports that masturbation decreases the chance of prostate cancer.
Guys who masturbated five times a week during the twenties, or something like that, were substantially less likely to suffer from prostate cancer later in life.
May 1, 2008 at 2:53 pm
The sad thing is that many kids are taking the little factory stuff seriously. There is even one case of a confirmed suicide. You have probably heard about Kip Eliason who killed himself when he was 16 years old.
May 1, 2008 at 4:21 pm
chanson said:
I didn’t know you could until I was about 20 or so (yeah, late bloomer here), but from SOMEWHERE I got the feeling that sex was way more sinful for girls than for boys.
As for asking 13-year-old girls about their habits… Uhm. Hmm. New one on me.
May 1, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Believe me, all of my priesthood leaders that I mentioned masturbation to took it very seriously. I wish just one had taken a more laid back attitude. It makes me angry to think about what we do to each other in religion’s name.
May 1, 2008 at 8:07 pm
[...] I want to spread the word about The Visitors’ Center, a blog with the tag line “celebrating Mormon sexuality”. It even includes a post about—you guessed it—masturbation. [...]
May 2, 2008 at 2:17 am
The church has moved on from this nonsense and any Bishop or SP bringing it up is acting on their own. The CHI is silent on the matter. The last conference talk about it was what, 15 years ago? None of my kids, three now grown has ever been asked, not by a Bishop, SP or MP. We know becuase my wife and I teach our kids it’s perfectly normal and if asked, they are to tell the Bishop that isn’t an approiate topic of conversation between a non-parent adult and a minor, or they are to just leave and let us know what the pervent asked. My second MP, back in the late 1970’s thought concerns about masturbation were silly. This ain’t your daddy’s church anymore.
May 2, 2008 at 5:15 am
Steve: good for you! Fostering a relationship of trust between parents & children, and especially one where it is okay to bring to their attention other adults who may act inappropriately is the *best* way to combat abuses of power. Kudos.
May 2, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Steve,
I hope you’re right, though it will take years before everyone gets the memo unless there’s some kind of first presidency letter or conference address to highlight the change.
I also applaud your stance. I’ll do something similar when my daughters are old enough to start having private bishop’s interviews.
May 3, 2008 at 2:58 pm
SteveEM,
Thanks for your comment. I was having this discussion with my husband (we have 3 young sons, so I’m sure this topic will come up in our future) and he asked how you know the church’s stance has changed? Have you read any messages to bishops or SP to stop asking questions?
Is the topic of masturbation like drinking Coke? Some folks think it’s a big deal and others realize that it’s not?
A few years ago we had a recently released counselor to the bishop (who was upset he’d been released) and his YM sons were asked about M during an interview. Their dad flipped out. He was yelling and created quite a scene at the church. If what you’re saying is true, than his reaction is a lot more understandable.
May 6, 2008 at 12:33 am
I guess there are two issues being raised. The 1st is has the church’s stance changed? I believe it has as there is no instruction to Bishops to ask anything beyond the TR question of “do you live the LofC?”, and non of my kids over a period of several years has asked any of my kids; whereas, when I was young many a Bishop obsessed over masturbation. I remeber at 15 my Bishop kept bringing up m*, when I was sexually active and experimenting with drugs. Bear in mind we are in a church that doesn’t retract past teaches but just moves on. We open the priesthood to all males w/o retracting the bigotry of BY that got us into that mess. We abandon polygamy to conform with the law w/o commenting on the practice further.
The second issue is what is appropriate conversation between a spritual leader and a minor in 2008? By modern standards, a non-parent adult discussing m* with a minor is a sick perve and a half. Certainly not someone fit to be Bishop in 2008.
May 6, 2008 at 12:41 am
Well put, Steve EM.
May 6, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Thanks for your comments. I have a 14 yo brother and I was talking to my mom about this. It surprised her to hear that this isn’t an issue anymore. Steve, I’m 28, and although I was never asked, I believe it was taught during standards night. And, the fact that my DH had the pamphlets as YM pres last year makes me think that there are people teaching that M* is a dirty sin.
Anyway, I’m glad to know there are others who disagree and that the church isn’t asking specifically in some wards.
May 7, 2008 at 11:12 pm
I’m also 28, and I was asked about this during interviews on at least a couple of occasions. Looking back it was totally inappropriate (obviously), but to this day I can’t bring myself to consider those bishops pervy. Maybe they were - it’s not like you can always tell - but I always got the impression that they were “just doing their job.” Anyway, my point is that it was still going on when I was in YW. We also had at least one bishop come in and give a special talk to the YW about it (I assume he did the same for the YM) - it was about chastity in general, but M was definitely included. I grew up thinking that it was actually WORSE than having sex because at least you were allowed to have sex after you got married, but solo was NEVER okay.
May 8, 2008 at 5:16 pm
I wrote a chapter on the subject (mostly autobiographical).
May 9, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Having recently finished my teenage years I wish I could come back and report good tidings. Unfortunately, for me, in the heart of mormonland masturbation was an issue that was discussed in sunday school, priesthood, seminary, and even in my most recent institute class–we were told it was a sin and needed to be confessed to the bishop; not just the boys but girls too. Honestly, this really affected me and my relationship w/ the church.
I didn’t even know what it was until I learned about it in church; check my most recent blogpost for a fictional-biographical account of what happened. Also, for additional reading, there is a long and detailed opinion piece about masturbation from a mormon perspective here:
http://mormonzero.blogspot.com/2008/04/mormon-sexuality.html
May 10, 2008 at 4:39 pm
Mormonzero,
That’s very sad, but thanks for the report. I think the most disturbing thing is you’re saying there are church units in 2008 still mentally abusing LDS youth over this nonsense, and families aren’t voting with their feet to protect them from the mental stress. Since all healthy males and many females, at least those w/o a partner, masturbate, how does this nonsense endure today?
As I commented here and elsehwhere, I’ve lived in a lot of units, and we keep a pulse on this. None of my kids has ever been asked anything beyond “do you live the LofC”. That said, I’m well aware the Utah-Idaho is a different brand of Mormonism than the church at large.
May 13, 2008 at 3:30 pm
@14: DH wants to know if it’s five times a week to orgasm or just to erection. I want to know if sex counts as much as masturbation
May 13, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I think the point is to clear out those fluids so toxins can’t build up. So sex is all good too.
May 13, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Wow, does anyone know if any studies have been done that show higher rates of prostate cancer among groups (like Mormons) that eschew masturbation and premarital sex?
May 15, 2008 at 1:01 am
The only medical research I’ve heard about was about frequency of male orgasm and prostate health w/ the several times a week guys having the better health. Not sure research focusing on masturbation alone could be done since virtual all healthy males, at least those not in a relationship, do it or lie about not doing it. My guess is it’s a reproductive adaptation as the male without relationship doesn’t know when the opportunity will arise and frequent masturbation assures delivery of fresh stock when theres an unanticipated opportunity with a female. It short, the frequent masturbator is likely more fertile, so that trait dominates our species.
May 15, 2008 at 1:05 am
I’ll add that IMHO, sex yields a far more intense orgasm and afterglow than m*, and I believe m* is more about keeping a guy’s plumbing healthy than idle pleasure.
May 15, 2008 at 12:52 pm
Steve EM said…”I believe m* is more about keeping a guy’s plumbing healthy than idle pleasure.”
I completely agree w/ this comment.
May 15, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Idle pleasure is OK with me.
May 17, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Color me curious on the use of “m*” for masturbation on a blog created for issues of Mormon sexuality…
May 17, 2008 at 5:31 pm
MoJo:
Well, this term was used by a commenter and not by a permablogger. It may be that he was just typing quickly and abbreviated. Or it may be that he was at work and wanted to make his comment more innocuous in case someone was looking over his shoulder.
Steve EM and MormonZero:
I’m curious if you think that women’s masturbation also serves to keep their plumbing “healthy” or if it’s just about idle pleasure? Does anyone know of any studies that show health benefits for female masturbation?
May 17, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Lily said…
“I’m curious if you think that women’s masturbation also serves to keep their plumbing “healthy” or if it’s just about idle pleasure? Does anyone know of any studies that show health benefits for female masturbation?”
Let me clear one thing up here…I definitely think that pleasure is an important part of any sexual experience, I was agreeing to the idea that I personally believe that masturbation is more of a result of natural bodily release that is supposed to occur in order to maintain a healthy body. IMO, the pleasure aspect of it is a gift from God =). However, I some could think differently…I just think back and my first experience w/ this had nothing to do w/ pleasure.
As for the health benefits for women there is the following explanation…
“In fact, it is said that women who masturbate have higher self-esteem than those who don’t.”
“Health benefits
Some of the known health benefits of masturbation are,
* Reduces stress
* Enhances self-esteem.
* Muscle relaxation
* Helps one to fall asleep
* Promotes release of the brain’s opioid-like neurotransmitters (endorphins), which cause feelings of physical and mental wellbeing.
* Female masturbation relieves menstrual cramps
* Eases some of the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome
* Relieves depression
* Improves blood flow in the human body.
* Frequent masturbation by males appears to help prevent the development of prostate cancer.
* An effective, natural cure for insomnia.
* Masturbation is considered as cardiovascular workout. However it has not been scientifically proven.
* Burns calories during the session.
* It lowers blood pleasure and relieves headaches and muscle aches throughout the body
Sexual benefits
* Masturbation is also seen as a sexual technique that protects individuals from the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.
* Research states that through masturbation, ones sexual tension is released. Masturbation allows a person to express sexuality in various situations, for instance, if they don’t have a partner or if sex with their partner isn’t available, or if they want to (or have to) abstain from sex for any reason.
* Masturbation helps to communicate their sexual needs better to their sexual partner. With enough practice, one will be able to coordinate pleasure with their partner’s pleasure and make sex better for both of them
* Masturbation is a popular treatment for sexual dysfunction. For Instance, men who suffer from premature ejaculation can use masturbation to practice control.”
I am not sure exactly how to post links but the above information could very easily fall under the common knowledge category as most of these items can be substantiated at numerous medical and health pages. With so many possible health benefits I can understand why the body would want one to have orgasms on a frequent basis. Another health benefit I found that it gives a boost to one’s immune system.
Hopefully that helped.
May 19, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I just want to add that the vibrator was invented by one of the most sexually repressed societies (Victorian England) as a cure for what they called “hysteria”, or being emotionally stuck in one’s own uterus. Perhaps the root cause of hysteria was lack of sexual pleasure…
May 19, 2008 at 7:29 pm
MormonZero:
What a wonderful comment! Thank you!!
May 20, 2008 at 1:05 am
I think MormonZero covered the health side very well too. I can only add that a female who knows her body well makes things a lot easier for her partner.
XJane,
I seem to recall during that time in the UK and USA, physicians would bring thier female patients to orgasm manually (although they called it something else because women weren’t supposed to enjoy it) and the mechanical devices were invented to save the physicians time? I’m glad we live in a more enlightened time.
May 20, 2008 at 7:37 pm
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