Fast Offerings: A Personal History of Masturbation

Like millions of healthy young Mormon lads, I struggled with the sin of masturbation. Part of my extended conversion experience as a 16 year old investigator included a trip to the Bish. When I was prepping for my mission, my bishop all but heaved a great sigh of relief when he learned that my grievous confession was gripping the iron rod once every few months.

On my mission, I made it almost four months without choking the Bishop. Once again, when I confessed to my first mission prez, he was almost dismissive. A few months later, when I was stuck with a companion who had the habit of relating his pre-repentance sexual encounters after lights out, I crept away to call the new president from a pay phone. When I confessed that I was tempted to shake hands with the prophet, he seemed irritated that I had called him. He didn’t go there on our next one-on-one, so neither did I.

Eventually, I caught on that my priesthood leaders didn’t want to hear my solo misadventures with little Helaman. They were interested in the sordid, serious sins. Was he sneaking off to cavort with the harlot Isabel? Were there hanging clusters of grapes involved? Of course, I may be a little off on my interpretation of their concerns, but I’m just reporting my impressions at the time.

So I made a tacit deal with myself and with God. I would make a good faith effort to keep from polishing the Sword of Laban. If I slipped up and gave myself a personal priesthood interview once a month or so, that was within reason–after all, God was concerned about our limits to endure. I’d feel guilty, repent, and God would beat me a with a few strokes. I’d be extra careful in the weeks leading up to temple interviews and priesthood ordinances. And Sundays were out of the question. This agreement lasted past my mission and probably helped me and my lovely partner make it to the temple six months later, disheveled but with purity intact.

So, here’s my question to all of you in Mormonland: how much does this square with what you know about Mormon men and masturbation? Am I a lone stripling warrior or are we as the armies of Helaman? And how is this whole experience different for women growing up in the Church?

Resources: Proctor on Birth control

Continuing with the theme of posting links to resources about Mormonism and sexuality: One important article is Melissa Proctor’s article Bodies, Babies, and Birth Control, which discusses the history of birth control among Mormons. The article is available in Dialogue’s free digital archive. Highly recommended!

A sticky situation

For all you Mormons out there who wonder why semen seems so sticky, there is a simple biological explanation. But you may not like it.

Semen from a wide variety of species forms a “plug” that prevents a subsequent sex partner’s sperm from reaching the egg.

Some species form a “hard plug,” while others form a “soft plug.” We humans happen to be of the soft plug variety. Species that form a soft plug have evolved a penis shape that is exquisitely capable of removing a previous male’s soft plug, so that a male’s own sperm can pass this barrier and race toward the egg. Thrusting during sex facilitates soft plug removal. Species that form a hard semen plug generally have a bone in the penis that helps dislodge the previous male’s plug.

This entire scenario reeks of polyandry, when you think about it. Then consider the fact that we are made in God’s image, and that many Mormons believe that God and Joseph Smith are polygynists, and that women do not practice polyandry in the afterlife (i.e. women can be sealed to only one man, while men can be sealed to many women).

Whether resurrected beings have genitals is an entirely different matter, of course. But what does semen biology tell us about humanity in general? What does sticky semen tell us about our creation? Why would God endow men with the ability to so aptly remove a competitor’s sperm, if women were not meant to be polyandrous?